How to Help a Friend

Helping a friend with an alcohol or drug problem

You have to trust your gut on this. If you see problems, then it's a problem. These a indicators; does your friend:

• Drink to get drunk most of the time?
• Do dangerous things when drinking?
• Sometimes try to cut down or even quit?
• Drink really fast?
• Get in trouble because of drinking?
• Find it necessary to drink to enjoy a party?
• Let drugs or alcohol affect her grades?
• Drink to escape from problems or medicate feelings?
• Let drinking affect his/her reputation in a way you don't like?
• Having blackouts?
• Get annoyed when people criticize his/her drinking?
• Have family members who have (or had) alcohol or drug problems?

How about you? Have you:

• Lost time from something important in order to help your friend deal with the aftermath of her/his drinking?
• Felt embarrassed or hurt by something s/he said or did while drunk?
• Had to take care of your friend because she was drunk?

If you answered yes to more than one of these, it's time to have a talk.

Before you talk:

• Talk to people you trust about your concerns. Ask them to help you.
• Write a list of things that happened because of your friend's drinking. Make it concrete.
  • Instead of:
    "You get antisocial when you drink,"
  • Try:
    "You were drunk, and tried to hit me."
• Bring your list with you to stay on task.
• Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed.
• Ask you friend if you can talk for a few minutes.
• Nervous is normal.

When you talk:

• Talk when s/he is sober. The sooner after a bad episode, the better.
• Express concern:
  • "I want to talk because I am worried, and our friendship means a lot to me".
• From your list, say what you've seen, and how you feel about it.
  • "I had to help you while you threw up. The next day you were too hung over to write your paper. It makes me sad to see this happening."
• Talk about sober behavior you like and drunk behavior you don't:
  • "You have a great sense of humor, but when you drink it turns into sarcasm and you're not funny, you're mean."
• Separate the person and the behavior:
  • "You're a good person, but the more marijuana you smoke, the less you seem to care."
• Encourage your friend to see a counselor at the Health Center. Go with her.

What NOT to do:

• Accuse or argue. If your friend gets angry or provokes you, remain calm and stay focused on your goal to be helpful by expressing your concerns.
  • "OK, you don't like some things I do. We can talk about them later. My point now is that when you got drunk, you kept calling me names"
• Lecture or moralize. Stick to the facts, listen, and don't judge. Instead of:
  • "You've been acting like a slut," try:
  • "You've went home with a guys you didn't even like and told me you did things you regretted."
• Give up. Your friend will never forget what you said and the way you said it.

Resources at UNL

Alcohol and Drug Services 472-7440
We can meet with you privately to help you prepare to meet with your friend.

We can also help you or your friend determine the best way to address the alcohol or drug problem.

Call us to set up a time.

Counseling and Psychology Services (CAPS) 472-7450
CAPS, also located in the Health Center, provides counseling for all types of problems.